What Are I-messages?

Human communication is very complex. For this reason, we have developed a number of strategies that allow us to express ourselves adequately. This also includes the I-messages. Find out exactly what it’s all about in today’s article.

I-messages  are a particularly useful communication tool that helps us express our thoughts and feelings without hurting the person we are talking to.

For example, imagine a situation in which you do not like the behavior of the other person. In these circumstances, it is often difficult for us to express our discomfort and the resulting feelings.

We  therefore often avoid saying what we are actually thinking in order to prevent a conflict. And when we say something, we often don’t find the right words to actually assert ourselves, but not to offend the interlocutor.

In this case,  I-messages are  an appropriate technique  because they help us express our thoughts politely and respectfully without blaming the other.

What are I-Messages?

I-messages are a communication strategy that enables us  to express our feelings and assert ourselves without attacking the other person.

To do this, we speak in the first person  and focus our attention on the topic of conversation. We describe which emotions it triggers in us.

For example, we can say:  “You never tidy up and you never put anything in the right place, you always have excuses!” This is a criticism that is often expressed by people who live together. But the person addressed quickly feels hurt and answers in a similar way.

Another possibility would be this form of expression: “For the last month I have carried the whole burden of order in the house and have felt no support.” This type is far more effective and adequate. The person describes what happened and how they felt, but does not focus on the other.

Getting the message across in this way  can make the other person feel more empathetic and not feel judged. He can also express his own feelings better this way.

Differences between I-messages and you-messages

We mostly use you messages in a poorly conducted discussion. We then look at some differences in comparison with I-messages.

Blame

You-messages  prevent good communication,  because the interlocutor quickly feels attacked if we blame him for what happened. If you focus on guilt, you will only achieve the opposite effect: the other will defend themselves and not take responsibility. He will bring up counter-arguments and criticism.

But I-messages minimize the defensive attitude. The other person answers very differently when, for example, we say: “Yesterday I felt really bad because of your guilt”, or when we express ourselves as follows:  “Yesterday I felt sad because you did not call me.”

To judge

You messages are used to express a judgment about the other person that only leads to further resentment. Look at the difference:  “You do this over and over again, you will never change!” In no way do you achieve that the interlocutor wants to solve the problem. This I-message has completely different effects: “I get very nervous if you don’t tell me that you will come later.” In it, the person describes their feelings and does not judge the other.

Conflict resolution

You messages do not solve problems, on the contrary: They usually make the situation worse. I-messages  , on the other hand, are a good strategy for finding solutions that are acceptable to both parties.

If you focus your attention on describing an incident, expressing how you felt about it, and offering an alternative, you can go a long  way towards resolving the conflict.

How do you use I-messages?

• Formulate the sentence in the first person: “I worry if …”, “I feel uncomfortable …”, “I am sad because …”

• Describe the behavior of the other person  as objectively as possible:  “If you come late and don’t tell me…”, “When I explain to you how my day was and you devote yourself to other things…”, “When you are scornful about my best Friend speak … “
• Explain how you feel  about this behavior: “I have the feeling that you do not respect and do not appreciate my time …”, “I feel ignored …”, “I do not feel appreciated …”
• Offer a solution:  “I would be very grateful if you would inform me in good time if you come home later…”, “I would prefer to go shopping earlier next time to avoid long lines”, “ I would like you to do half of the laundry next week… ”.

I-messages are very effective for speaking to others in a wide variety of situations: with friends, life partner, family, work colleagues or people we are just getting to know.

The advantage of this is that we  prevent the other person from feeling guilty or from believing that we are judging them. On the contrary: if you describe the situation that you are experiencing and at the same time offer a solution, the other person does not feel attacked and everything is easier.

The person you are talking to does not need to defend himself and understands that you are not feeling well. He can empathize with the situation more easily and a conflict resolution is so much more likely.